


Your Fault

by Fafsernir



Category: Sagas of Sundry: Dread (Web Series)
Genre: Canon Compliant, First Time, Internal homophobia, Kayden is touch starved, M/M, Masturbation, Oral Sex, Rimming, Tanner is mostly clueless, Yearning, after episode 0, canon typical annoyance and tension, dread episode 4, this is just an excuse to write Tanner/Kayden smut, year break
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-28
Updated: 2020-11-01
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:42:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 17,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27245194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fafsernir/pseuds/Fafsernir
Summary: Tanner wants to confront Kayden about what happened. He needs to confront him, to be sure that what they experienced was not real, because it can't be. But Tanner has never been really good at confronting people, and ignoring the facts are also a good way to deal with what happened.Kayden's fucked up, but that's not really new. He finds an odd comfort in Tanner's presence, especially as Sat's presence gradually annoys him more and more. He doesn't need anyone and he wants to be alone. Well, that's almost true.
Relationships: Kayden/Tanner Sills
Kudos: 4





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I just binged Dread, and I just had to write about Kayden and Tanner's year between episode 0 and episode 1. All of this comes from the unresolved tension between them, and Kayden's intervention to defend Tanner. I actually have no other excuse than I just wanted to write about those two and my mind suddenly thought of a whole story for the year gap.  
> This goes into canon with what I know and remember, and will even explain why Tanner takes it out on Kayden and still blames him for what happened a year prior, in Dread, despite them being in contact before in the fic!  
> And yeah, I just wrote this entire fic in three days, the writing fever is real haha

It is all his fault. There is no other explanation. Those were all hallucinations, except his camera actually being broken. But it only makes it worse. It is his fault if his camera is broken. He needs to confront him, to put things straight. Nothing was real, it can't have been, they were just all tripping hard. Tanner knows it, he is persuaded of it. 

And while he is still waiting for his parents to accept to buy a new camera - it shouldn't take too long, now - he has little left to do but blame Kayden. And visit him. Because the nightmares keep coming back, and he can't hide behind the thin lense of his camera for now. He keeps seeing the same things, the same shadows and goat face. So Kayden has to pay for what he did, for what he made them go through. 

Of course, he's not as bold as actually knocking on Kayden's parents' house and having everyone know he visited, so he's resorting to throwing pebbles at his window. Which, all things considered, feel a bit cathartic. Maybe he can just do that, and that will be all. 

“Sat, I'm fucking busy.” Tanner finally hears as the window opens, and one last pebble makes its way inside. “Ouch! Tanner? What are you doing here?” He doesn't answer and waits, his arms crossed. “Well, come in, I guess”

It's pretty chilly outside and Tanner is thankful for the invitation as he starts climbing the side of the house. They've all climbed each other's houses at least once before. Tanner complained a lot at the beginning, earning him the names of wuss and weak twig, but now he's pretty at ease with it.

The first thing he notices when he enters Kayden's room is the smell. It stinks of weed and, even if he's used to it around Kayden, he coughs discreetly and leaves the window open, hugging himself as he steps into the room.

“My parents aren't here,” Kayden says from his bed, where he's lighting up a regular cigarette. "What do you want? I haven't seen you since…" He trails off, gesturing with his cigarette and never finishing the sentence. 

“Are you high?” Tanner asks, looking around a bit. He almost adds ‘again’ but he would rather not refer to the last time they saw each other, even if he’s here for that, after all. The room's in a mess, more than what he's seen before. There are papers everywhere, and he wonders what's on them but he doesn't look. The posters on the walls have changed since he last came. The turntable has a vinyl on it but is not playing right now. 

“Been pretty low lately, actually,” Kayden retorts with a laugh and Tanner can already feel his blood boiling. That boy always has the power to turn his anger on so quickly. 

Instead of erupting here and there, he simply sits on the bed, keeping his distance with his friend. He considers asking more about how he's been feeling, but he can't really bring himself to ask. 

“So, what are you doing here? Bored? Thought you'd check up on your stoner of a friend?”

“It's not funny, Kayden.”

Kayden pushes into his thigh with his foot, giggling. “Oh, but it is.”

"Stop it," Tanner says.

It takes a bit, but Kayden finally stops, and takes a couple more seconds to savour the rest of his cigarette. Tanner observes him while he does so, and he's struck by how tired he looks. He never looked like the most awake person, but he seems to have been skipping some restful nights lately. Tanner doesn't know what he's been up to, or what anyone has been up to, for that matter, because he didn't ask and didn't try to know. He feels almost sorry, now, because maybe he isn't the only one who could have used a friend. But he needs some time alone. He's just here to confirm his theories, to blame Kayden. He's here to rub it in his face that he was right because that means that what they saw wasn't real, and it's all Tanner needs confirmation of. 

And yet, seeing Kayden sprawled on his bed, high as he often is, alone in his bedroom and in his house, Tanner can't bring himself to bring up this. He can't talk about it. It's better if they don't. 

“Just checking up on you…” he chooses to lie, and as he realizes what that sounds like, he decides to quickly add: “all.”

“Well, I'm fine, you can piss off now.” Tanner closes his fists on his bag that he's been holding protectively in front of him and sighs. He makes a move to stand up, but Kayden is suddenly by his side, a hand on his forearm. “Wait, you're here now, might as well stay.”

Tanner's first reflex is to move away, which he regrets as soon as he loses Kayden's surprisingly warm hand. There's a pause of awkward silence, then Tanner nods because he's never really seen Kayden like that. The man needs company, even if he won't say it. 

So he stays. And they don't talk about what happened, not once. For a moment, they're back a few years prior, listening to music, talking about movies they've seen or heard about. For a moment, there's no animosity between them and they're friends. Two friends who don't want to be alone and enjoy each other's company. They haven't shared a moment like that in a while, just the two of them, and Tanner realizes that maybe he needed that. He sure feels better when he chuckles with Kayden as he sneaks out the window when they hear his parents return home. They're probably past sneaking up on each other anyway, but it's a thrill. It's an illusion that they're still young, still in high school. It's an illusion that this trip never happened, because they're not mentioning it and they still manage to have fun. 


	2. Chapter 2

It's been a couple of weeks since Tanner visited him. Kayden has been hoping to see him again, but there's not been another sighting of that ginger hair or too big glasses anywhere. He has seen Sat a few times, too many if you ask him. She needs him but he needs to be alone. Well, apparently not alone. He doesn't mind Tanner. They give each other shit, mostly, but the other day was… It was special, because it was normal. They were normal. Kayden wants normal, right now, and Sat is not normal. She's needy and demanding, and Kayden knows he's not being fair, but she's annoying. She's also been asking for drugs, more than Kayden is comfortable with giving, or can afford. And he just needs to be away, to think. Even if it means being visited in his nightmares by that goat figure. Even if it means lying in his bed, awake for hours, doing nothing. He just can't handle Sat's crisis right now. 

Tanner doesn't have a crisis, though. Not that he knows of, at least. He came to check on him, and they had a good time. Kayden wants to have a good time. 

That's why he's standing in Tanner's backyard, throwing pebbles at his window, wishing he would just hear and come. He hopes he's in the house. 

“Who's there?” He hears after a while and, for a second, he hides, because that is not Tanner's voice. It's his sister's, however, and he's safe with her, so he steps out of his hiding spot quickly, relieved that someone answered, and it wasn't the parents. 

“Kayden. Is Tanner around?”

“Hey, Kayden. Dark room. You can come in, I'll get him.”

Kayden isn't told twice. He starts climbing the house. He almost trips, because he hasn't been there in a long time, but catches himself and slides through the window that he pushes open more than it already is. 

“Thanks, cover for me if need be,” Kayden hears as he's inside and the door opens. Tanner steps in, not looking surprised, and holding developed pictures in his hand. Or an envelope containing them, Kayden can only guess.

He is also wearing nothing but pretty short shorts that are extremely fit on him and can only be his sister's. And it's fine, they grew up together, they've seen each other in something worse and shorter, and yet it takes Kayden by surprise and something he can't identify. All he knows is that he can't stop looking at the long, thin legs, and he can see himself parting those legs with his hands, and burying his face between them.

It’s not the first time he’s thought of something like that with Tanner, and it doesn’t really surprise him, but it still warms his cheeks, and he’s glad he just climbed a window to cover for the quickening of his breath.

“What do you want?” Tanner asks, almost with venom. 

It’s not the warm welcome Kayden could have expected, but then again when have they been warm to each other? Kayden’s just here for the company, tension or not. He goes to answer something that would probably not be very nice, but Tanner takes the shorts off and grimaces at them.

“You don’t have to flex,” Kayden says as he folds the shorts and is looking for a regular pair of pants.

“Didn’t know there was something to flex,” Tanner answers naturally, not bothered by the fact that he’s in his underwear with Kayden. There’s nothing to be embarrassed of, even for Tanner. They’ve seen each other naked before, no matter how long ago, they still trust each other enough on that aspect.

Kayden almost retorts something about his ass, but he doesn’t comment any further on this. He’s afraid he might let something slip. The urge didn’t use to be that strong. The need to touch Tanner, to feel him, to get to know him in a way they’ve never known each other has been more present than ever, since he visited him. Or maybe it was before, when Tanner started growing into his shirts as he secretly picked up sports. He’s far from being buff, but he’s not as thin and muscle-less as he used to be. It’s enough for Kayden to notice him more, and to have some feelings resurfacing.

Kayden has always seen himself as a carefree person, probably a selfish one, too. He’s heard a lot of terms being used to describe him, but he doesn’t really care about anything, or what anyone thinks. He knows he’s an outsider, and he’s embraced that fact. Being attracted to someone of the same sex is not something he minds. He does mind being attracted to someone romantically, though. He just doesn’t like the idea that it can happen to him. He’s more than fine with any sexual attraction, though. And right now, he can focus on this. Which doesn’t really help, but it distracts him from having to think about how else Tanner makes him feel.

_ Clic. _

“What the fuck, Tanner?”

As he was thinking, Tanner got dressed again and has decided to snatch a picture of Kayden, apparently, snapping him out of his daydreaming.

“So that’s what you’ve been doing. You’re not gonna like what you see,” Kayden sighs. He’s pretty sure lust was written all over his face as he looked at Tanner.

“Come on, it’s you, of course I’ll l--” Tanner stops himself and suddenly gets busy with his camera, pretending to be doing something so he doesn’t have to finish his sentence.

Which is always an opportunity Kayden jumps on. He walks closer to Tanner, who is pretending to be very focused on his camera, and he steps into his personal space. Tanner instinctively steps away, until he can’t, because his room is only so big - it’s actually even pretty small - and Kayden smirks.

“No, no, what were you gonna say?”

Tanner is taller than Kayden. He hasn’t always been, but it seems that life has finally settled on Tanner being taller. It doesn’t make Kayden any less intimidating, especially with him. He’s known him long enough to know that Tanner doesn’t like not having his personal space. 

There’s a flash and the familiar  _ Clic _ and Kayden steps away, blinking.

“Come on, that’s not fun,” he groans, rubbing his eyes as they adjust back to the light of the room.

“Seriously, what are you doing here?”

Kayden shrugs, nonchalantly pushing his hands deep in his pockets to show how little he cares about what he’s going to say. “Checking up. Making sure you’re not, you know, dead or something.”

Tanner scoffs a “yeah, right” that almost hurts Kayden, but he doesn’t let it show. He would have reacted the same way in Tanner’s place. 

There’s an awkward silence that follows all this mess of a conversation, and Kayden almost regrets coming here in the first place. He doesn’t need Tanner, he’s better off alone. And yet, he can’t just leave.

“So, what’s your new camera like?”

Tanner’s face, which has been tense so far, suddenly relaxes into a smile, his whole body animating with excitement as he suddenly starts talking about his camera. Kayden can’t stop staring at his smile as he does so, and he even allows himself to smile in return. Tanner has always been adorable when he talks about something he’s passionate about. It reassures Kayden to see that some things have not changed. They slip into a natural but harmless banter, Kayden teasing Tanner as he shows all the new features and settings he has. He takes a couple of pictures to illustrate something as he explains, and it turns into an improvised photoshoot, despite Tanner’s protests that the light in his room is not right.

Again, they’re laughing and their hands keep touching, and Kayden shouldn’t notice it that much, but it has always been something he paid attention to. Who was touching him and where. Tanner’s long fingers are cold and he wants to reach out and warm them, but he doesn’t, because that would be weird.

They spend the evening together, and Kayden knows why he came. He feels the positive energy he has been seeking, and maybe it will ward off his bad dreams, even just for a night. At least, it prevented his bad thoughts, and that’s already more than he can expect when he’s alone. 

* * *

It becomes an obsession, an addiction. Kayden notices it one day, as he’s sitting with Sat. They haven’t really talked in a while, and he hasn’t seen her a whole lot. Truth be told, he’s been avoiding her. But she came, high, her hair a mess, her clothes ragged, and she started babbling about goat man and being crazy and not being able to convince people, and needing proof. He’s calmed her on that part, with a slap. She puked on his floor in answer. Then she moved on to another subject, to drugs, and he got mad. He told her all about how she is becoming something he doesn’t recognize, how she is addicted, how she should stop and how he won’t help her not drown because he doesn’t know how to swim himself. He can’t help her. 

She guilt tripped him enough that he gave her whatever he was stashing, not that he had really been taking any lately, and he slammed the door on her face. In hindsight, he could have acted differently, but he meant it. He can’t save someone because he’s barely holding on himself. And he knows why he’s holding on. He knows why he’s still dreaming of the goat man and yet he still goes to sleep every other night. He is aware of what keeps him going, and he knows it’s as bad as Sat’s increased usage of drugs. He’s addicted to Tanner. And, despite what he said to Sat, he’s not going to let go of it anytime soon, because it makes him feel good.

He needs him. 

That’s what, or rather who, he’s thinking about when he can’t sleep. He feels tired, though, and he wants to sleep, for once. If only he could call Tanner, tell him to come over, it would be easier. But he doesn’t want to appear too needy and he doesn’t want to scare Tanner off. What they have is special, because they’ve never had that before. It never really was the two of them. It was always at least Kayden and Sat together, never apart. Or Tanner and Sat. Or the five of them, all together. It was never Kayden and Tanner, and Kayden likes that duo. He wants Tanner for himself.

His attraction has not subdued at all, it has even gained in power, and lost in control. He yearns for the cold touch of his fingers, which oddly warms his heart, he longs for the playful punches Tanner sometimes gives him, he wants more of the soft patting that Tanner sometimes does on his back or his shoulders. He needs to feel his hand in his hair again. He can picture the surprise in Tanner’s face as he realized he had reached for Kayden’s hair, but the resolve to keep what he had started. It was dumb, really, but Tanner had brushed his hand in his hair, and Kayden had almost died on the spot. 

Kayden runs a hand through his unbrushed hair. It’s not the same, it doesn’t carry the same softness, and his hand is warm, too warm, but it’s better than nothing. If he closes his eyes and imagines Tanner, it’s not that bad. He trails his own hand down the side of his face, scratches his throat lightly, quickly gets to the bottom of his shirt to bring it up and caress his stomach. No, Tanner is doing it. It’s Tanner’s hand on his stomach, drawing patterns on it, in a way that almost tickles, but mostly just turns Kayden on.

It’s Tanner’s hand that gets underneath the underwear that is Kayden’s pyjamas, and it’s Tanner’s hand slowly working him up. He sees Tanner’s smile as he feels his cock hardens, and he’s already panting his name by the time he spreads his own pre-come over his cock as much as he can. Gosh, this feels good.

Tanner whispers his name in his ear, and it’s his tongue Kayden feels against his ear. It’s his hand that grips his hair, not soft anymore, but urging and rough.

“Tanner,” he can hear himself whisper, and the whimpers that escape his lips are Tanner’s. “Fuck.”

The hand on his cock is working fast. It lacks a bit of lotion, maybe, but Tanner’s voice tells him it’s alright. And it’s more than alright, because it feels good. Kayden is moaning Tanner’s name over and over, and the hand in his hair is grasping so hard it almost hurts, except it doesn’t, because all he can think about is the pleasure building up in his chest, his stomach, his cock, his whole body. His eyes are closed as he imagines Tanner’s brown eyes looking at him, lust apparent, he imagines him biting his lower lip, just as he bites his own.

He doesn’t really take his time, because he’s tired and he wants to get this done, and he just really wants to come. Which he does, Tanner’s name on his lips, his hands Tanner’s for this. He comes with a long, deep groan, and he hopes he didn’t scream out anything, but he’s not sure he hasn’t. Both hands move away, and suddenly they’re his again, and his right hand is a fucking mess, and he sighs, resting his head against his pillow. He reaches out for some tissue next to his bed, and wiping his hand and his stomach is all he can do. He hides his face in the crook of his elbow and falls asleep from exhaustion, and a bit of embarrassment. Because there’s no walking back from this. He’s just jerked off, fully thinking of Tanner, literally saying his name, more than once. 

It’s not the first time he masturbates thinking about someone, but it’s never been one of his friends. At least not  _ them _ . 

He doesn’t dream of the goat man, that night. He dreams of Tanner, of disappointing his friend and losing him, which might be worse, when it comes down to it. He still wakes up in sweat and left over come, and he feels dirty. The cold shower he takes helps him clean himself, regulate his too warm temperature, and it helps him fall back asleep for not the best rest he’s had, but for a dreamless one, at least. It also almost washes his humiliation away, but he knows that one will be gone next time he sees Tanner and reflects upon how he’s not harming anyone, but merely appreciating what’s out there to appreciate.


	3. Chapter 3

Kayden has been acting weird lately. He’s jumpy around Tanner, which isn’t surprising with what happened. Well, what they hallucinated. Tanner has still not confronted Kayden about it. They still haven’t even mentioned it, to be honest. Everytime, Kayden tells himself it’s the moment he will, but everytime he starts spending a good moment with Kayden, and he doesn’t want it to stop. So he keeps silent. It’s easier not to mention it. He keeps the blame in his heart. Maybe he can just forget about what happened.

Except that he can’t. Because everytime he develops his pictures, alone in his dark room, the first reflex he has is to scan the slightest inch of darkness in the photography, and search. Search for eyes, search for a shape, a body, anything that doesn’t belong. He got scared once, but he returned to where he had taken the picture, by day, and he noticed it was a sign he didn’t remember. He finds comfort in looking at the darkness and seeing only that: darkness. It’s a small comfort and a proof that it wasn’t real, that he’s not crazy.

And despite the blame he carries with him, and his inability to talk about it, he’s also unable to stop seeing Kayden. He hasn’t really talked to any of the others, and he misses them a bit, because he doesn’t fit anywhere else but with them, but he also fears talking with them. He knows that Kayden won’t mention what happened.

They talked vaguely about the others, because it had to come up at some point. They went from hanging out regularly together as a group, to only Tanner and Kayden hanging out together. They’ve both heard the same things about Darby and Raina. There are some tensions between the two, art school is going okay. That’s the extent of what they know. Kayden has talked about Sat a couple of times, trying to hide his frustration, but Tanner knows there’s something. He knows they’re best friends, and Tanner supposes he should check on Sat, because they’ve known each other for forever, but he doesn’t want the same frustration that Kayden tries to hide. He told him she’s not doing great, but she’ll get through it, and it’s all the information Tanner can take.

It’s still odd, to adjust to being only the two of them, but Tanner would be lying if he said he didn’t look forward to spending time with Kayden. They’ve gotten closer, and even if their banter hasn’t decreased, they have developed a closer relationship. One that Tanner has never thought he could develop with Kayden. Yet it is there, they are each other’s comfort and sanity. 

“Your hair’s a mess,” Tanner says, interrupting the comfortable silence that has enveloped them as Tanner was looking at some of his pictures, and Kayden was reading a comic book. They’re sitting on Kayden’s couch in his bedroom because it’s the biggest room, and Tanner is now putting his hand on Kayden’s hair to illustrate what he’s saying.

“Shut your face,” Kayden half-heartedly says. He seems oddly tensed since Tanner put his hand on his hair, so he teases him a bit, because that’s what they do, and he keeps poking at his ridiculous spikes.

“Seriously though, that’s a lot of hair product you’re wasting.”

Kayden turns from his position on the couch, and Tanner doesn’t break contact. His hand is still in his hair, not really poking anymore, but it’s there, and Tanner almost wants to give Kayden a head massage. Maybe it’ll help his exhaustion, or something. Kayden seems to relax gradually, and Tanner still doesn’t move away from his hair.

“What do you suggest then? A boring haircut like yours?” Kayden smirks, and Tanner shakes his head.

“I thought you were more creative.”

Kayden scoffs, and Tanner takes his hand away to move an accusatory finger around as they jokingly argue about hairstyles. 

Tanner wonders how they’ve come to this, from their school group of friends, but it’s not his problem. He’s doing okay. They’re okay. Kayden and Tanner. They have always been rivals more than friends. Maybe it came from the adults, when it became clear for everyone that Darby and Raina were not interested in the two boys - through very hurting means, at times, if Tanner and Kayden hadn’t known the truth - and adults started asking which one would date Sat. It was shitty, becauseSat is much more than just someone to date, but it still got to their heads, somehow. At least Tanner thinks it did. He’s been secretly in love of Sat this whole time, so the adults must have been right. 

But without Sat here, Tanner sees Kayden just as Kayden. A tired, broken teen, still. And surprisingly, Kayden is not just drugs and alcohol, but much more. Tanner hasn’t even seen him use anything, lately. Surely he still does, but Tanner appreciates that he’s stopped in his presence. He still catches him drinking, but that’s okay. Tanner takes a swig, once in a while. It’s not what he prefers, but he doesn’t mind Kayden drinking as much, because he’s rarely drunk. 

Later in the night, when Kayden shrugs that it would be simpler if Tanner stayed to sleep, Tanner doesn’t decline. He wasn’t looking forward to walking back home in the dark anyway. It’s still something he has trouble dealing with. 

They’ve been hanging out for a few months now, and Tanner has already slept in the same room as Kayden, anyway. It’s better than sleeping alone. He even suggests they sleep in the same bed when Kayden tells him he’s too lazy to prepare the couch correctly, but he can take a pillow and blanket. Kayden simply nods.

Tanner lies at the very edge of the bed, because that’s just how he sleeps when there’s someone else. He’s too afraid to take up space and gets close to the edge, almost falling off. Kayden falls asleep quickly, and before Tanner also does, he feels his friend turn and move, until he’s cuddling with him, and Tanner doesn’t shake him off, because it’s a welcome warmth, but he promises himself to tease him. They’re friends, hugging in a sleep is not weird. It feels good, after all, there’s nothing wrong with that. 

* * *

Kayden wakes up first, and he almost turns in his bed and buries himself in the sheets, except that there’s something different. There’s something new. Well, it’s not new, but it hasn’t been there in a while. There’s someone in his bed and, more importantly, in his arm.

He inhales deeply, because he doesn’t trust his eyes yet, and he freezes. He knows that scent. He has dreamt and fantasized of that scent enveloping him. He opens his eyes suddenly to confirm Tanner’s presence next to him, against him. He instinctively moves away, because it’s too much. The object of his desires is lying in bed, currently rolling on his stomach and softly snoring. His ginger hair is a mess, his back is exposed because of course, he’s always slept bare chest as soon as there was someone else in the room, because he’s always too warm. Kayden can see the hundreds of freckles that he’s never taken the time to look at on his back. And because he can’t go back to sleep, and he can’t really cuddle again, he looks at them.

If it were up to him, he would take Tanner right there, on his bed. He would shower his back of kisses, trail down to his ass, and show him exactly how good he can make him feel. But this is not something that is up to him. Tanner has to agree to this, and Kayden can’t imagine a reality where he would, so he settles for the next best thing. The thing that will prevent him from trailing his fingers down the exposed back and freckles. He starts drawing. He doesn’t have to go far to find some paper and a pen, it’s been lying around a lot, and he appreciates Tanner not having really asked about it yet.

He admires Tanner’s back as he traces the shape of his back and the constellations of his freckles. He can’t believe that he’s sitting in his bed, next to the object of his desires and darkest, most shameful fantasies. The man he’s been jerking off to is lying next to him, and Kayden is fucking drawing him, because if he doesn’t, he can’t promise he will behave.

He doesn’t know how long he spends sketching, but it’s long enough for him to learn some of Tanner’s curve and freckles pattern. Maybe he’s obsessed a bit, too. Well, he already knows that he’s addicted, it doesn’t really come as a shocker.

Tanner wakes up later, rubbing his eyes and yawning, making a whole show of himself that Kayden doesn’t miss, but also doesn’t really register as him waking up, as he keeps drawing.

“What are you doing?” a sleepy Tanner asks, putting on his glasses.

Kayden looks up and wants to kiss him good morning, but he is suddenly reminded of where they are, who they are to each other, and what is happening, clasping his sketches against his chest.

“Nothing.”

“No, show me,” Tanner says, and his bare chest is against Kayden, and Kayden panics and just drops everything he’s holding, because there’s a cold chest against him and his mind screams. Then there is a long silence as Tanner looks at what Kayden was doing.

“I… I-I can explain…” Kayden stutters, absolutely certain that he cannot, in fact, explain any of this.

Tanner is still silent, then he frowns and turns a drawing. “These are pretty good,” he says, and Kayden’s jaw might drop to the floor that it wouldn’t illustrate his shock enough. Kayden can see anger in Tanner’s body, but he also can see how he’s analyzing everything he’s seeing. His artistic mind is taking over, and Kayden sees his way out.

“They’re for school,” he admits in a breath.

“What?” Tanner asks, looking at him, the anger gone from his eyes, now.

Kayden hesitates, wondering whether he should reveal his deepest secret to Tanner. It’s nothing bad, but it’s nothing he has told anyone either. Certainly not his two artist friends, not even for advice. 

“I won’t use those for school, I swear,” he says, because he’s not sure he can yet say it. He holds his hand up to get his drawing back, but Tanner is not handing them over.

“What are you talking about?” 

Kayden sighs. He might as well tell someone. Tanner has been there for him for months, after all. That is something he can admit to him. So he tells him about how he signed up for art school, not anything fancy, just the one at the end of the town. It’s nothing big, it’s nothing great, but it gives him something to do. He talks about not really fitting in, about his teachers not really liking his art, and how Tanner is one of the few to have complimented him. He tells him he’s not sure to continue, but as long as he can, he might as well. It keeps the days busy. He doesn’t say why he needs to busy his days, but it’s there, between them. Untold but obvious. Kayden talks a lot, shares how he feels about his classmates - mostly neutral, he wishes they weren’t here - and his teachers - some are okay, others are not. Tanner is mostly silent, but he eventually congratulates him, and encourages him. 

“I’m really sorry I drew you,” Kayden says when he’s done talking about the school. “I should have asked. But you look good,” he stumbles over his own words, saying them before he can prevent himself. It’s nothing but the truth, but he doesn’t know how Tanner will react to that.

“You think I look good?” Tanner chuckles to himself, as if in disbelief, and Kayden throws all cushion to the wind.

“Have you looked into a mirror? You look pretty fucking good, Tanner.”

Kayden is half chuckling, because it seems ridiculous that Tanner doesn’t see the truth, but he doesn’t want him to think he’s laughing at him. He is also holding onto his hand, because somehow that happened as Tanner encouraged him, and Kayden doesn’t want to let go. Tanner doesn’t seem to, either.

They’re looking at each other and in Kayden’s fantasy world, they’re already rolling over the bed in a mess of kisses, moans and whimpers. But he gets a hold of himself. This is not fantasy. Tanner is here and he can’t start fantasizing about him when they’re in the same room.

“That’s… nice.” Tanner whispers, and Kayden swears they’re sitting closer together, now. He can swear they’re getting closer still.

He almost actually swears when there’s no denying that they’re closer because they’re literally touching. Tanner is  _ kissing _ him, and Kayden only panics a whole lot before returning the very frozen kiss. 

It takes a while to stop being weird, and Kayden isn’t sure that’s the word he’d use. It feels nicer, though. They’re actually kissing, even if it’s messy and Kayden can feel Tanner’s glasses. He can also feel his lips, and that’s all he cares about. that, and his hands. One is clenched on his forearm arm, the other is touching his face and his air. One of Kayden’s own hands is blocked by Tanner’s grip on him, but the other is framing his face to help Kayden kiss him. He’s kissed people before, and it has felt less awkward many times. However, it had rarely felt this warm in his stomach. He’s content just kissing this man for the rest of his life, really.

He doesn’t even know for how long they kiss, but he gathers it’s been a while. He doesn’t really care, to be fair. He is waiting on Tanner to freak out or do something more, but he himself isn’t going to try anything, because he’s scared. He’s terrified he’s dreaming, or breaking something they’ve taken so long to build. He’s scared to stop and do the wrong thing, or to not stop and do the wrong thing.

So he waits, and Tanner does act. He does lean down, not leaving Kayden’s lips for a second, dragging him down with him, almost on top of him. He leads the arm he has been grasping down his body, his other hand now a death grip on Kayden’s shoulder, as if afraid of what is about to happen.

Kayden settles against his side, not on top of him, but in a way he can use both his arms and still kiss Tanner, because he refuses to get away from those lips. He opens his eyes, sometimes, only to see the fog on Tanner’s glasses and the always closed eyes of his friend, who has let go of his arm, now, but is bucking his hips upwards. He still has a death grip on his shoulder, and Kayden doesn’t comment, because it’s his anchor to the reality that’s unfolding in front of his eyes.

He doesn’t lose a lot of time and reaches down to Tanner’s underwear, slipping his hand underneath. They both stop kissing to gasp, and Kayden keeps his eyes open, this time. He doesn’t kiss Tanner’s lips again, but he looks at him, looks at the way Tanner is keeping his groans in, refusing to let them go. He works him up, teases him, as he would his own cock when he’s feeling like it. He doesn’t do it for long, though, because he’s still scared. 

Tanner covers his eyes with the arm that’s not still clasped on Kayden’s shoulder, biting his lips down, and maybe it’s not what Kayden imagined, but he can still feel the now-warm skin against his own burning skin, and he almost comes right on the spot just from the idea of what’s happening. 

But he doesn’t really care about his own boner right now, he’s focused on Tanner’s as he looks down to his hand working Tanner’s cock, and he swallows hard. He wants to kiss his way down and swallow him whole. And as he thinks of that, he realizes that there’s nothing holding him back. He can try, and if Tanner doesn’t want to, he can always tell him to stop, and Kayden will. 

He starts kissing his neck, first, and Tanner actually moans. Kayden inhales deeply as his own cock is looking for friction, his hips bucking to meet Tanner’s side. Despite the death grip on his shoulder, Kayden slowly makes his way down, until the hand actually pushes him further down. He doesn’t stop as much as he wants to on Tanner’s chest and stomach, but he’s hungry for his cock anyway. It’s been a long time since he has sucked anyone off, but he’s sure it’s been longer since Tanner has had someone giving him a blowjob, if he’s ever received one. 

Kayden doesn’t hesitate. Tanner’s hairs tickle his nose, but he keeps going down, and he licks up his cock then takes him in, because Tanner doesn’t look like he can hold up much longer.

He lets out an appreciative groan around Tanner’s cock as the man grips his hair and arches his back, letting out a long, deep growl, and Kayden is only encouraged by it. He sucks him, and lets Tanner fuck his mouth, probably uncontrollably. His hand is holding Kayden’s hair and head in place and his hips are doing the rest of the job, fucking Kayden’s willing mouth. 

Kayden looks up, as well as he can from his position, and he marvels in the sight of Tanner, his hips bucking up and down, his mouth open but his moans almost silent, his arm still thrown over his eyes. It can’t be comfortable, with his glasses, but Kayden be damned if it isn’t hot. It doesn’t last too long. Tanner lets go of Kayden’s head when he can’t keep his moans in anymore, and he covers his mouth as Kayden swallows him whole and deep throats the man he’s been fantasizing about for a while. 

Tanner comes with a muffled cry, and through what Kayden can only imagine a hand he’s biting down. Kayden grins as he licks what he can of Tanner’s cum, and he straightens up again, wincing as his unattended cock makes him remember he would like to come, too.

He kisses his way back up Tanner’s chest, and to his neck, grabbing his own cock as Tanner gets his breath back.

When the arm moves away from his eyes, slowly uncovering glasses that are not in the right place anymore, and are way too foggy for him to see anything, Kayden wants to kiss his cheek, but he can’t. He can’t because Tanner suddenly straightens up, pulling his underwear up again, and he’s panting again, but Kayden knows he’s not breathless. No, he’s panicking, and Kayden has walked him through enough attacks to recognize it.

“Breathe slowly,” he says, showing Tanner how to breathe by doing it himself.

Tanner doesn’t stay sitting and doesn’t calm himself, instead he stands up suddenly, trips over himself but catches himself, refusing Kayden’s help. He is gathering his shirt and pants, and Kayden knows exactly what’s happening.

“At least calm yourself before you go out,” he says, because he knows he can’t get him to stay, but he’s worried that he’s going to walk out and go through his panic attack without anyone there.

“Can’t. Need to go,” Tanner says, in a very robotic voice, and he runs out the room, slamming the door behind him. Kayden opens his window, ignoring the freezing air outside, and looks at Tanner, who is running in the streets, and Kayden swears. 

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” he repeats after the window is closed and he’s back on his bed. he rubs his eyes, his face, and he sweaars again, as he feels his mind breaking, and his body still on the high of what has just happened. He’s still hard, and he doesn’t want to come anymore, but his body is aching after he has refused it to come while he was sucking Tanner.

But Tanner’s gone and Kayden’s sure he has ruined everything, even if Tanner did nothing to stop him. He should have done something, because he knows Tanner, he knows this isn’t something Tanner wanted. Or, if it was, it’s not something he accepts. Not about himself. 

But, fuck, does his body want that sweet release.

Kayden tries to ignore it, to think of something that would make him lose his hard-on, but even the thought of having lost Tanner is not enough. He furiously strips off his clothes and tries to pump his fist quickly, but it’s not enough. He’s been too creative lately that just doing this isn’t doing it for him. He rolls over on his bed and fucks his fist, except he’s again thinking of Tanner. He can still smell him on the bed, and he thinks of burying himself deep into him, with little to no prep, and it’s tight and it almost hurts him, but he doesn’t give a fuck, because right now everything hurts anyway. He thinks of taking him roughly against the very same bed he has just gotten his heart broken on, thinks about Tanner not holding back, screaming in pain and pleasure. He thinks of how hard he would grip his shoulder as he fucks him, and he comes like this, in the fantasy of something he would never do, because he doesn’t want to hurt Tanner, except that Tanner just hurt him. And it’s just a fantasy. It should have stayed a fantasy.


	4. Chapter 4

Tanner is in his darkroom. He’s sitting on the armchair he has decided to put here. It’s battered and doesn’t look like much, but it’s been in the house forever, and his parents said they’d throw it away, so he’s using it. His parents don’t enter his darkroom, so they don’t care. It’s the one place where no one is allowed to come, and everyone respects this. Tanner has a radio on so he’s not alone, but he doesn’t come out of the room to be with his sister, because he wants to be alone. He doesn’t want other people to be with him. He is fine here. He is in the dark, but he’s safe. If there is any alien noise, he knows it’s something bad, because there’s no other noise than himself and the radio here. No one is allowed here, and thank god, because he needs to be alone. And it’s silent, so it’s good.

In his darkroom, he is sure of what is in the darkness. It’s nothing. There’s nothing in the darkness. He knows that for sure, because he’s been looking at the darkness in every single picture, and there is  _ nothing _ , because there’s nothing to see. 

And he can think.

He's heard that Raina and Darby broke up. News like these travel fast. He's heard some say that they knew it was only a phase, that the girls have finally come to their senses. Tanner knows it's not that, he knows it's not a phase. Not them. They've always loved each other, it was obvious for everyone. The whole group has known for a while. They've all accepted it. It's okay. There's nothing wrong with it. Tanner even defended them to his parents. His very catholic parents. He held his head high and told them that Darby and Raina were human beings, that they were normal, and that they deserve the best. They wouldn't burn in Hell for their love.

So why does he think he is going to burn in Hell? 

Now, that's a good question.

Why did he run away? Why couldn't he stay? 

He couldn't. He just couldn't. It's against nature. He loves Sat. He's always loved her. Kayden was just… there. He is his friend, too, but he's just that. A friend. 

And it doesn't matter how it felt. It doesn't matter that Tanner can't shake the memory of his lips around his cock. It doesn't matter because it didn't happen, and it can't happen again. It won't happen again, because he's not going to see him again. It's been a few weeks, and there's been no sign of him. Tanner is only slightly worried, but that doesn't matter. Because Kayden isn't here, and Tanner doesn't have to think about the weird butterflies he's been feeling around Tanner, lately. Those belong to Sat. He feels those around Sat, not around Kayden. Nevermind that he's been feeling those growing in his stomach since it's been only him and Kayden. It. Does. Not. Matter. 

Because he's in love with Sat. He's told people that, and it's the only thing that makes sense. She's pretty and fierce, she's got beautiful brown eyes and… and nice hair. A good style. She's just really cool. 

Oh, and he doesn't need to convince himself! He knows he loves Sat. There’s nothing more to it. This was just… It wasn’t anything. No one knows and he will make sure that no one does. There are no monsters in the darkness, and Kayden didn’t suck Tanner’s cock.

Tanner sighs, rubbing his eyes. He’s put his glasses away, because they annoy him, and they’ve been slightly wrong ever since… Well. It didn’t happen, so there’s nothing wrong. He doesn’t have to change them, he’s fine. He fixed them himself, they were just a bit off, they still are, but it doesn’t matter. He doesn’t have to explain anything if there’s nothing wrong.

He has to think of Sat. Sat is the perfect girl for him. They’ve known each other forever, it only makes sense. His parents said he’s always been in love, and he agreed because they explained everything and it makes sense. He’s been hanging out with her and Kayden forever, he’s helped her and Kayden in class. Really, it’s just a race between him and Kayden, about who will face his feelings for Sat first. That’s what everyone says. They must be right. His parents are rarely wrong. They are, when they say Raina and Darby belong in Hell, but they’ve stopped saying that. They are right for this.

Tanner is in love with Sat. Yes.

* * *

There’s a noise that interrupts his thinking. It’s not the radio, and it’s not himself. His brain jumps to the worst conclusion possible, and he’s by the door with a bat within seconds.

“Tanner?” he hears, just as he’s about to swing his bat. So he doesn’t, because it sounds familiar. 

Someone enters the room, slipping in, their back turned, watching the hallway as if not to get caught. Tanner isn’t sure who it is and wants to smack the person over the head, except that he does recognize who it is. The hair’s different, but Tanner has been with Kayden enough to know the way he moves, to know his back. He’s taken enough pictures of everyone in the group to know them by heart.

He wants to hit him with the bat so badly.

“Oh wow!” Kayden says as he turns, and sees Tanner holding a bat. Tanner clenches his jaw. “Sorry, I’m sorry, I just… I need to talk to you.”

“I don’t want to see you,” Tanner spits, and he sees the hurt in Kayden’s face. He’s usually able to see it in his eyes, buried under a pride of not showing his emotions, but right now he can see it all over Kayden’s face. And he looks tired, he looks like he hasn’t slept in a long time. “Are you high  _ again _ ?” he continues in the same tone.

Kayden closes his fists and mutters between his teeth. “I haven’t been high in months. It stopped being fun. Can you just drop the fucking bat, now?”

“Why should I?”

Tanner is pushing Kayden’s buttons. He’s waiting and hoping he will pop and blow up, he’s hoping they will fight and not have to talk anymore. And Kayden looks like he’s so close to just slamming him against the wall and taking his bat away. Tanner is ready for it, but Kayden doesn’t do anything. He sighs, and his whole body liquifies, his eyes water and he sniffs, keeping his tears in.

Tanner’s hatred and his need to blame Kayden for everything disappears within seconds. He drops the bat, and puts a hand on Kayden’s shoulder. He ignores the way his whole body screams for more contact, and tries to get Kayden to look at him.

“Hey, hey. What happened?”

Kayden doesn’t answer, and Tanner isn’t sure what to do. His friend moves to put his hands on his arm, and he squeezes, opening his mouth to say something, but only his rapidly increasing breath comes. He’s holding onto Tanner for dear life, unable to meet his stare, and Tanner understands what’s happening when Kayden’s legs give up. Tanner holds him so he doesn’t just fall on the ground, and helps him down, to sit on the floor.

He breathes with him, shows him a calmer rhythm, encourages him to breathe like him. He talks about whatever he can think of. He talks about the pictures he’s been taking, the couple of gigs he’s had, some stupid birthdays Kayden would hate, and a wedding. He talks about Kayden’s new haircut because really, is that a mohawk? and when did he get it, and why, and he chuckles because he mentioned his hair the last time they talked. He doesn’t talk about the last time they talked any further, though. He moves on to other subjects, talks about the comics Kayden was reading and that Tanner checked, since then. He talks about how his sister’s doing at school, because he’s not sure what to talk about anymore.

Kayden is now hugging him, in what can only be an uncomfortable position on the floor, and Tanner can’t feel his legs anymore, but he doesn’t care, because Kayden is breathing normally again, and Tanner helped him, for once. He helped the person who has walked him through most of his attacks.

“That’s embarrassing,” Kayden mutters after a while, and it doesn’t take a genius to know he’s not commenting on Tanner’s story, but on himself.

“Did something happen?” Tanner asks. Kayden nods, but doesn’t say anything, so he doesn’t push for more.

It takes a bit more soothing and hair scratching for Kayden to calm down. Tanner takes the time to analyze the new hairstyle in the meantime, despite how messy it has become. It’s weird, not to see hair everywhere. It’s completely shaved on the sides, and Tanner is sure the top part looks really nice when Kayden hasn’t been struggling with a panic attack.

“Got kicked out,” Kayden mutters after a while.

“Of home? Are you okay?!”

Kayden shakes his head. “School.”

“Oh.” Tanner awkwardly pats his back. “I’m sorry,” and he means it, because he knows it meant a lot to Kayden. He’s seen him talk about it, on that morning he tries to erase. This is a part he’s okay to think about. Kayden’s hidden excitement as he explained that he was doing something, and that he sort of enjoyed it.

“Haven’t told anyone and didn’t know where to go,” Kayden mutters again, clearly hesitating to admit why he’s come to Tanner. 

“You can always come here,” Tanner hears himself say. And he knows he means it, but he wanted to be mad at Kayden so badly. He wanted to blame himself for everything because it was easier. It would have been easier for everything. But he can’t ditch the only friend he hasn’t ignored yet. He can’t ditch Kayden.

The ex student explains a bit more in detail after a while, a hot drink in his hand, as they sit in Tanner’s dark room. It feels more comfortable than his own room, Kayden told him, and he agrees. For this conversation, at least.

Kayden tells him his teachers don’t think he’s good enough, and he even chuckles as he talks about the already low quality of the school. He tells him he hasn’t fit anywhere, not that he expected to, but it made him stand up in a way he didn’t want, didn’t like. In a way teachers noticed. He doesn’t care to have failed art school particularly, but he minds having failed at all. 

He has been vulnerable with him before, but Tanner has never seen how much Kayden could also need encouragement and a win once in a while. He doesn’t look like he’s had a lot of wins, lately. Kayden doesn’t talk about what happened between them, but he apologizes, still. He doesn’t go as far as voicing any hope of them being back to the way they were, but Tanner makes him understand, he tells him, that they’re fine. That he’s happy to see him. He is, he’s glad to be able to see him and make sure he’s okay. Or, rather, make sure he’s not alone as he is not doing too good.

“We’ll find a solution,” he promises him as they’re sitting alone in his darkroom, where no one is allowed. They even solemnly shake on it, which makes them laugh, and as easily as this, they’re back to their bantering, to their teasing, and they’re friends again. Nothing happened, because they’re not talking about it. Like there’s nothing in the darkness, and there never was.

It’s fine, Tanner concludes. It’s fine like this. 


	5. Chapter 5

Kayden breathes in. He can’t fuck this one up. He shakes his head, stretches, slaps himself. Okay. He’s ready.

It doesn’t go as poorly as he expected. Mind you, it’s not the greatest day of his life, but the customers are fine, he doesn’t make a fool of himself, and except the boredom, it goes pretty smoothly. For a first day at a new job, he’s doing pretty okay. 

Things are looking up. It took a couple months for him to get his shit together, after getting kicked out of school, but he’s made it out. Tanner helped, but it still counts. He hasn’t spent as many days in the dark as he could have. He hasn’t had any other panic attacks since the first one. It’s going better. He’s got a job at the video store Tanner knows so well. He also knows it, for having gone with Tanner and the others more than once, picking a movie for their group nights. He misses those times, but he’s not sure he wants them back, not the way they’ve all changed in the group.

He hasn’t seen or heard anything about Sat in a while. She’s the one he misses the most, but she’s also the one he’s the most scared about. He hasn’t been the best of friends with her - he hasn’t been a friend at all - and he fears what she might do to him. Not physically, but mentally. He’s not sure he can handle the guilt of having failed her. And he’s not sure she won’t drag him down a rabbit hole he’s still struggling to leave. They’ve been best friends for years, but they haven’t been the best influence on each other, at times. Kayden doesn’t know if he wants to take the risk. Well, he knows he doesn’t want to, because he’s clearly avoiding her.

He could say he’s doing good, except that his nightmares have started again, and they’ve gained in intensity. They hit closer and closer to home, and that’s also a reason why he hasn’t contacted anyone. If he doesn’t talk to them, then the voice can never be right, except when it comes to Tanner. He always wakes up with the same ideas in mind, the ones that fully blossomed when they took their trip so many months ago. 

_ You’re an outsider, even within the outsiders. They don’t want you, they never wanted you. They will ditch you as soon as they can. They don’t care about you. _

If he doesn’t care about them, then the voice is wrong. He also tries to ignore the other parts, the parts where the voice calls to him, asks him to come back, to free it, to fix the land. That’s just his imagination being too wild.

It doesn’t happen every night, but it’s been coming back stronger since the whole debacle with Tanner. When Kayden thought he had fucked everything up with him. When he had sucked him off. It had been a great moment at the time, but what a royal failure in hindsight. But things are okay, now. Better than okay.

His insecurities have just crept in while Tanner and he weren’t speaking. But he can deal with those. Just because they now have a voice and they’re spoken by that goat man doesn’t mean they have changed that much. He’s always had them.

And now he’s busy. He has work. He still draws in his spare time, even if it’s not great. It does help him focus his mind and express himself, which is more than he could ask for.

He also has Tanner, who is waiting for him when he finishes his shift. He’s got his bike and a ridiculous helmet on, and Kayden is already laughing at him before he can say hi. He still rides at the back of the bike, thankful that he doesn’t have to stay alone with his thoughts.

He tells Tanner about his first day, complains about some customers, complains about some movie titles he’s never heard of before. By the time they’re in Tanner’s darkroom, he thanks him again. 

Now, that’s another thing that has changed. They haven’t talked about it, they haven’t really set any boundaries, but those are pretty obvious. When Tanner runs away, it’s too much. And the main rule is to not talk about it, Kayden got that part pretty quickly. They’ve chosen the darkroom because they know no one will come here, no matter what. Tanner makes sure to lock it every time now, anyway.

Kayden hasn’t done anything to push Tanner towards it, but he has wanted to touch him again, to make him come again. It was just a fantasy that kept him alive on some nights, or at least that kept some nightmares away. But as they started seeing each other again, hanging out together for hours, Tanner slowly started touching him more. Kayden thought he was dreaming, until they did a repeat of the morning Kayden gave Tanner a blowjob, except Tanner didn’t run, this time.

He didn’t really open his eyes, but Kayden sucked him off, and Tanner jerked him off. It’s stupid, really, and Kayden sometimes feels like a kid, but he doesn’t mind that they don’t talk about it. It happens when Tanner feels like it, because Kayden doesn’t want him to run off, and he’s pretty much always up for it.

It doesn’t happen every time they see each other, but it has been occurring more and more. Kayden fucking craves Tanner’s touch more than anything, and he would kiss that man’s body for hours if he could.

The last couple of times, Tanner has looked. He stopped closing his eyes. He hasn’t really met Kayden’s gaze, but that’s okay. Kayden should probably talk about it with him, but he can’t bring himself to risk losing it.

Kayden is almost sure he will never get him to talk about it, to admit what they’re doing. He’s heard Tanner talk to himself, tell himself it didn’t mean anything. It would be hard to deal with if Kayden gave a single fuck about being able to hold Tanner’s hand or some bullshit like that. Except he doesn’t. He doesn’t really care about what others think, but he also doesn’t really care whether or not they’re outspoken about it. Maybe speaking about it would be nice, but Kayden is fine with it. If Tanner needs to comfort himself that this isn’t happening, while it’s very much happening, then Kayden is fine with that.

He has to come to terms with his own feelings anyway. Not that he has any other feelings than strong sexual desires for Tanner, but still. Never in a million years would he have pictured himself longing for Tanner’s touch, or anything like that with Tanner. Even if the physical attraction is not new, Kayden never expected it to grow that much.

When they’re done this time, Kayden cleans their mess while Tanner takes a shower. Then he goes to Tanner’s room and they pretend it didn’t happen.

They talk about movies, about Kayden’s job, about Tanner’s photography. They talk a lot, and Kayden enjoys that part, too. He likes having someone to talk to. They also sit in silence, both busying themselves with a book, pictures, or papers, and it’s also nice. Kayden doesn’t know a lot of people he feels comfortable with enough to just sit and not actively do anything with. 

He wonders how long he can keep it up. He wonders how long it will take before he fucks up. Because he eventually will, looking at his past experience. They’ve all failed.


	6. Chapter 6

He takes one movie that he has already seen, pretends to read the back cover, then places it back. The employee looks at him weirdly and he smiles awkwardly. 

“Can I help you?”

“No, just browsing. Thank you, Dan.”

Tanner gives a small bow, without knowing why. Daniel has been working here for a while, so he knows Tanner well. He knows him enough to discuss with him outside of the store, and know about his wife and the kid he's expecting. And Daniel knows him enough to know when Tanner is looking for recommendations, and when he just wants to be alone with the movies. Even if the latter is not exactly what Tanner wants, that's what Dan interprets, and he's grateful. 

He looks to the cashier when he turns to another aisle, and smiles to himself when the only other customer leaves. 

“Hi," he says, not hiding some sort of pride.

“Hello and welcome, what can I do for you?” the cashier asks with a polite smile. Then he notices Tanner. “What are you doing here?”

“Well, I did tell you I come here often! Now, do you have…” Tanner pauses for a second, thinking. Well, he pretends to think. Then, he asks for a movie he knows isn't on the shelves, loud enough for Dan to hear, which isn't complicated. Kayden looks dumbfounded. 

“That one again?” Dan says, walking to them. “It's in the back, no one borrows it anymore. It's in the…” He tried to describe where to find it, then sighs. “Just take the kid with you, he knows where to find it. You should buy it, Tanner.”

“Thank you,” Kayden says politely, relief physically painted on his face as he steps away from the counter, and Dan takes his place. “I'll take a short break, is that alright?”

“Sure,” Dan smiles. 

“My saviour,” Kayden jokingly whispers to Tanner as he guides him to the storage room. 

Tanner has been there before, he even used it as a darkroom once. Dan knows him enough to know he respects movies and is way too much of a chicken to try and steal something. And he's right. He's never abused this room or anything. Well, until now. 

Because he's there for a purpose. He doesn't care about the damn movie, he bought it at a garage's sale a few months back. 

No, he's here because he wanted to see Kayden. He needs to see Kayden. Because he has finally realized what they're doing. He knows the truth, now. 

He's not gay, of course he's not. He's in love with Sat, he has always been. Even if he hasn't talked to her in almost a year. What he's doing with Kayden is nothing. They're just having fun. He doesn't love Kayden, because that would be wrong and stupid. But they're not really hurting anything, and Tanner likes this kind of fun with Kayden. He understands that it's just that. Two friends having fun, doing a new game they don't have to mention to anyone else. They don't even really have to talk about it. 

And Tanner loves that game. He wants it, needs it. 

That's why he's here. Because now that he's realised that, he can fully play the game. And that means taunting Kayden at work, apparently. 

He's not the best of players, though, he hasn't done that in a while. 

“So where's that thing?” Kayden says, but he doesn't really move to do anything, clearly already taking his break. He's leaning against the door, and it's enough, Kayden thinks. It opens on the right way that Kayden can't accidentally open it. 

So Tanner drops to his knees in front of Kayden, who inhales sharply and seems to gather himself as close as possible to the door as he can. 

“Wow, there. What are you doing? Is it on the floor?”

“No,” Tanner says, and he looks in Kayden's eyes and he can see confusion and the lust hens grown to know. The lust he hated but now desires. 

“Tanner,” Kayden stammers, and this time Tanner doesn't mind hearing his name in such a position. It feels good. It's part of the game. He puts his hand on Kayden's hips to hold him in place, and Kayden gasps. "You don't have to… Tanner, you… Are you sure?”

“Yes.” There's no hesitation in his voice, and Kayden freezes.

That's his cue to move. Tanner quickly unbuttons the pants and moves the zipper down and, within seconds, he lets Kayden's cock free. He's already touched it, he knows its size, but it's the first time he's so close to it. It's not hard yet, but Tanner doesn't mind. 

He gives a few experimental strokes, and is rewarded by his name being whispered, and a hand in his hair. It encourages him to continue. He licks Kayden's cock, which fully erects as a reaction, and earns another groan. The next noises are muffled by Kayden as he puts a hand over his own mouth. Tanner takes him in, slowly. Just the tip, at first. He licks and tries using his teeth, only a bit, and it seems to please Kayden, who jerks his hips forward. With one hand squeezing his hips so he doesn't deep throat him instantly, Tanner slowly takes more and more. He stops when he feels he reaches the maximum, and he's not at the full length, but it's okay. It's okay because Kayden's hand in his hair is telling him it's okay. 

Tanner does everything he thinks can help. He licks, he rolls his tongue, he moans around Kayden's cock, he strokes him when there's enough space for his hand. 

It feels a bit too much. He keeps going because Kayden is definitely enjoying it, but he's a bit bothered by the saliva on his chin, and he wonders if Kayden ever feels that way.

He doesn't wonder long, because Kayden comes rather quickly, with an uncontrollable thrust that makes Tanner move back a bit, but not enough to not still be sucking his cock when he comes. 

He chokes. He actually chokes on Kayden's cum and he wipes his mouth as he's coughing, still kneeling on the floor.

Kayden slides down the door, panting. 

“What the fuck was that?” He breathes out, and Tanner chuckles.

“Taking part in the game.”

“That's a good fucking game, dude.”

“I could play again.”

“My parents are out this weekend,” Kayden says after a brief pause. 

“I'll be here.” Tanner gets up from the floor, dusting his pants. He looks down at his shirt and he takes it off quickly as he realizes the mess he's made. It's fine. It's all part of the game. He loves Sat, he's having fun with Kayden. It's not linked in any way. It's not the same thing. 

“Are you okay, Tanner?” Kayden asks, getting on his feet too, and closing his pants again. 

“Yeah. Just having fun with a friend.” That's the only explanation he'll ever give, because he's not sure he can talk about it more. 

“Glad to learn. And I meant…” Kayden adds, gesturing at Tanner and looking at his lower stomach with insistence. 

Tanner laughs dismissively. “I'm fine,” he nods and puts his bags in front of his hard on. He doesn't need to take care of that now. It's quite enough for today. 

He puts his shirt in his bag, not used to being only in his undershirt, but it will do. He quickly takes the movie he had been asking, hesitates to add something to Kayden, but turns and leaves through the backdoor, saying he'll return the movie soon. He doesn't turn back to look at Kayden, but walks quickly back home. He doesn't care that his bag is rubbing against his pants and it's painful. He almost runs back home, handwashes his shirt, and takes a shower. And if he jerks off thinking of Kayden but saying Sat's name, no one has to ever know. Because of course he doesn't think of Kayden when he does that. He's just another disgusting man jerking off thinking of a very respectful woman.

What is he even thinking? 


	7. Chapter 7

Kayden is not often nervous, yet he finds himself to be. The change of pace has been unexpected. Work has become his routine, Tanner too. Tanner giving him a blowjob in the storage of where he works is not routine. It’s very much not routine. He can feel his cheeks warming up at the thought. It was a nice surprise, nicer than he can describe it. Very unexpected. He doesn’t know what changed, and he’s not sure he wants to know. The important thing is that something changed, and Tanner has decided not to care about that apparently. Kayden is still aware it’s not something Tanner seems to want to discuss, but it’s progress. And progress is good. 

It makes his heart pound faster in his chest and his mouth go dry. Or maybe that’s just what he’s planned for the weekend that has that effect on him. It probably is. It definitely is, what else could it be anyway?

When Tanner comes, his hands are sweaty. But he’s fine. They of course don’t mention what happened at the store a couple days ago, and they start a movie. They’re sitting in Kayden’s room because he’s got a TV up there, and Kayden has planned for everything. He shouldn’t, because he can’t decide for Tanner whether or not he’s up for it, but he really wants to please Tanner, tonight. He wants to make him scream. And he’s pretty confident in his abilities.

They don’t finish the movie. They’re at each other’s mouth around the half, and Tanner turns the screen off while Kayden undresses him, because it’s distracting. Well, Kayden gathers so, he really doesn’t mind, but the silence is appreciated. It allows him to hear the sound of their clothes being discarded, the sound of groans and whimpers increasing, the sounds of their bodies entering the now familiar dance. 

“Trust me?” Kayden whispers after a bit. He’s kissed Tanner all over the shoulders and chest, and left a bruise on his upper arm without meaning to. Tanner doesn’t look at him, staring at his own hands on Kayden’s chest, but he nods weakly. “I’m gonna need more,” Kayden says. He wants to be sure.

“Yes,” Tanner murmurs, and they’ve never really talked while having sex, and his voice sends shivers down Kayden’s spine. It’s deeper than usual. 

Kayden nods, at loss of words, and kisses his way down Tanner’s chest again. He’s had plenty of time to explore it since the first time, and he takes his time on some of his favorite spots. Just below Tanner’s ribs, almost on his right flank; his left nipple and his underwear line. Those all make Tanner moan a bit deeper than other spots.

“Turn around,” Kayden says as he keeps kissing Tanner’s skin just above the underwear he’s still wearing. Tanner hesitates, almost goes to talk, but he turns around, lying on his stomach. “Thanks,” Kayden whispers against his ear, kissing him down his back, now. He follows his spine with his tongue, and he can smell Tanner all around him. He instinctively rubs himself against Tanner’s ass, but stops when Tanner tenses.

He quickly takes Tanner’s underwear away, almost annoyed at it, and admires Tanner’s bare back and bare ass. The man is lying in front of him, trusting him enough to stare at his naked form, trusting him enough to handle him around. 

Kayden positions Tanner in a way he can reach around to grab his cock, even though he only gives a few strokes before letting go. 

“No one will hear,” he reminds Tanner before going on with his initial plan.

He takes Tanner’s cock between his fingers again and encourages Tanner to fuck his hand. When he feels precome on his fingers, he kisses Tanner’s exposed asshole and grins as he instantly freezes, gasping. 

His fingers release him and go back near his mouth, spreading the precome on Tanner’s ass. He can feel how tense Tanner is, but he’s not telling him to stop, so he doesn’t. He carefully inserts the tip of his index inside Tanner, and hums as Tanner muffles a scream in his hand. Looking up one last time, he sees Tanner’s other hand squeezing his own hair.

He doesn’t use his finger longer, instead positioning himself in a comfortable enough way. When he first licks Tanner’s ass, he gets a not so muffled scream, and he chuckles to himself. The pride he gets from this is not normal, but he doesn’t care. He wants Tanner to scream of pleasure because of him. It’s somewhat of a payback for sucking him off at work, but it’s mostly because Kayden feels like Tanner will accept this now. He would have never tried before.

He slowly enters Tanner with his tongue, and he revels in Tanner’s gasps and groans at the new sensation. He plays around a bit more, biting his cheeks, licking his testicles, then solely focuses on his ass, and takes his cock in one hand, the other squeezing his left cheek, until it moves to his hip.

Tanner likes it, he can tell, and he doesn’t know what to do. He keeps moving his hips forward to fuck his hand, and moving backwards to feel more of Kayden’s tongue, and Kayden is loving it. Giving pleasure to Tanner has become his favorite activity and the best sound to his ears. 

He almost comes when Tanner cries out and reaches back with one arm. Kayden sees the hand grabbing at nothing, and offers his free hand. Their fingers lock as Tanner’s moans turn into another scream, and Kayden is trying to keep up with his position while wanting to fuck his bed to get some friction for himself. He focuses on Tanner, though, and getting him to scream again.

He does so a few seconds later, coming all over Kayden’s hand and his bedsheets but there’s nothing Kayden could care less about. He lets go of Tanner, lets him fully lie on the bed, and pulls his underwear down quickly.

He lies on top of him without crushing him, still holding his hand, now close to Tanner’s face, and he uses Tanner’s come as lube to fuck his hand as fast as he can. He’s so close to Tanner’s ass and he pictures entering the man instead of his hand. He knows he won’t last long.

“Kayden,” Tanner says, almost in a groan, and that does it quickly.

Tanner has never said his name during or after sex, because it doesn’t help with pretending it didn’t happen, and Kayden is taken by surprise and comes right away, shooting his own release on Tanner, squeezing his hand so hard he briefly hopes he isn’t breaking anything.

He is breathless, but quickly rolls off Tanner’s back, madly but softly chuckling to himself as he realizes what has just happened. Tanner whispering his name has awakened things he has kept under careful wrap. He’s too high on sex to even be able to deny it as it dawns on him.

He’s in love with Tanner.

_ Fuck. _

* * *

Tanner’s ecstatic. He hasn’t felt this way in a while, but he feels… He feels happy. He feels relief. Accepting that he’s fully part of the game has taken a weight off his shoulders. And last night was… It was fucking great, as Kayden would say. He has never felt this way, has never thought he could feel this way. And it’s okay to think about it, because he’s just having fun. It’s innocent. It’s like playing ball outside, except no one has to know, because no one has to know when people are having fun and how, anyway.

He’s sleeping well and he’s not thinking of bad things.

Looking back on almost a year since they finished high school, he’s doing better than he thought he would. He doesn’t have a stable job yet, but he’s booking some. It’s not easy every day, but Kayden supports him and his passion. He kept him from giving up more than once. It wasn’t an easy year, especially with his fear for the darkness, but he’s dealt with that, too. It wasn’t easy.

He’s doing good. He’s not out of the family house, but it’s fine. Not everyone can afford that as soon as they finish school. He doesn’t mind that much, his family is not terrible and they leave him his space. Sometimes, he wants to be alone, but his darkroom helps with that.

“Hey,” Kayden’s sleepy voice cuts his thoughts. He’s been awake for a while, and has been waiting for Kayden to wake up too.

He hasn’t moved away from Kayden’s cuddling of the night. He’s accepted this as part of their friendship. It feels nice.

“You feeling okay?” Kayden asks, releasing his grasp from Tanner’s body and rolling on his other side with an adorable grumpy groan.

“I’m great,” Tanner says, a bit excited, jumping on his feet. He only puts his shirt on, no need for an undershirt right now, and stands up, looking at the different shelves. He knows them almost by heart now, but he likes to read the book titles all the same.

He waits for Kayden to awaken a bit more and take a shower, perusing his library a bit more. They eat breakfast with the TV on as background noise, and go into the garage. It's something the group has often done when they're over at someone's. They check the garage for old relics or dumb antics. Sometimes both at the same time. 

This time, they find Kayden's mother's old polaroid, with a few pictures of his parents when they were younger. They laugh at the pictures, becausr the hairstyles were really bad, back in the day, and they take two pictures because they can. Tanner examines the camera more closely while Kayden looks around a bit more. They both keep a picture each when their shapes appear on them. 

They find some old clothes, try them on and laugh at each other, then pretend to be nobles in the past - probably too far back in the past and on another continent, with the fake accents they improvise. 

They find a box of Kayden's old toys. There are some figurines, a baseball kit for kids, a football and a basketball. The rest of the content is serving as decoration in Kayden's bedroom, from a previous garage scavenging. They also find an old Etch A Sketch and Tanner watches as Kayden draws a few simple doodles. It's nice to see him draw. He always focuses so much on it, and Tanner feels himself smiling instinctively. 

They stop their search when they find Kayden's old skateboard. He knew how to skate, a long time ago. 

“Oh, let me try!” Tanner excitedly says, getting on the board without waiting. 

He falls off the board, because there’s not really any other way this can go, but he catches himself and runs after the deadly toy.

“Tanner, you’re not…” However Kayden was about to finish his sentence, Tanner probably agrees. He’s not a skater, he doesn’t have the greatest balance, and he’s just too afraid to get into it. He’s fine on a bike, but that’s it. Still, he has fun getting on the board and moving even a bit. And Kayden laughs, so it’s worth it.

“Do you think I can do a backflip?” he asks, barely moving the board back and forth, because he can do that without his feet leaving the board.

“A what, now?”

“You know, a backflip! I’m sure I can do it!”

Kayden lets out a sudden laugh. “Do you mean a kickflip?” Tanner pauses as he realizes what he’s been saying, and he joins Kayden’s laughter. “You’re a dumbass,” Kayden teasingly adds.

Tanner watches Kayden’s laughter stop and his friend looks pensive for a second before shaking his head, as if shaking a thought away. Tanner doesn’t pay more attention to it and concentrates on the board at his feet. 

He does not manage a kickflip. No matter how tightly he’s holding Tanner’s shoulders and arms, it doesn’t do it. But then again, he’s never really been good at this. Kayden shows him, and Tanner shakes the thought of wanting to suck him off on the board. He’s not supposed to have these thoughts when they hang out like this together. But last night was… It was different. It was more. Tanner wants more, but he doesn’t want more.

They tidy the garage again after Tanner falls a bit too hard and pouts, saying it’s not fun anymore. Kayden laughs at him a bit too much, but he does clean up and closes the garage again.

The afternoon is eventless, they talk a lot about the past, when they were much younger, try to remember toys and games, then derail the subject on school and how it used to be. 

When Kayden offers another movie, Tanner refuses. He’s been waiting for this all day, and it makes him ashamed, but he’s also too excited to properly think. He’s gonna leave tomorrow, and he knows they’re going to play again, or at least he hopes so, tonight. 

They talk a bit more in bed, then slowly start kissing. Kayden pulls at his shirt a lot, and smiles against his lips when he unbuttons the middle buttons and can feel Tanner’s skin, because there’s no undershirt this time. Tanner is less patient than Kayden, undressing him quickly, but he still lets Kayden take his time kissing his chest. He seems to enjoy it, and Tanner appreciates the attention, for once.

They take their time, especially Kayden, who explores his skin with his lips and teeth, and who is Tanner to stop him?

Tanner is almost disappointed when Kayden moves away, but his interest is piqued when he sees him grab lube. Kayden moves towards the top of the bed, and he opens his legs wide, and Tanner just watches as he spreads the lotion on his fingers, and inserts one inside him.

Tanner gasps slightly, and observes what’s happening under his eye.

“Need you inside me,” Kayden says, his voice low and deep.

Tanner opens his mouth, but no sound escapes as he watches, mesmerized.

Kayden is working himself open and Tanner doesn’t know what to do.

This is a sin. But it’s part of the game. It’s just becoming harder and more complex. Games evolve. It doesn’t mean anything.

He internally struggles for a while as he watches Kayden fucking himself with his fingers, and his mouth goes dry, his stomach drops and his cock wants to enters him so badly, but his brain is panicking at the sheer idea of penetration. 

He closes his eyes, because it helps. It helps picture something else. He’s done it a lot. They are okay. They are having fun. It’s all part of the game that no one knows about. If no one knows now, no one will ever know. It feels too good to stop, he can’t stop. He feels happy, and he doesn’t want to stop that. He needs Kayden, and he wants to explore this game further. Kayden knows what he’s doing, he’s proven that last night. Tanner has never felt as good as after yesterday, entirely spent and exhausted from it. It’s tempting.

It’s okay. He still loves Sat, he still loves girls. 

Kayden moans and he opens his eyes, gasping at what he sees in front of him. Kayden has his eyes close, his mouth open, he’s arching in ways that can’t be comfortable, but he’s moaning with obvious pleasure. His fingers are still working him open, except there’s more, and Tanner can’t stop looking at his hand. He puts his own hands and Kayden’s knees, opening his legs even more than they are. He didn’t know Kayden was that flexible.

“Wait,” Kayden breathes out, and he moves his fingers away, and Tanner just looks at his ass, and all he can now think about is burying himself in him, because this is the next step of their game.

He looks down at the condom Kayden has just placed in his hands and blinks. Kayden is apparently not patient enough for this, because he takes the square, opens it quickly, and kisses Tanner’s cock, then licks it. It doesn’t need more to be fully erect, as Tanner was pretty much already turned on, and he gasps at the sensation of the condom being slipped on his cock.

Kayden moves away again, getting on all fours in front of Tanner, and Tanner can only swallow his saliva. He can do this, he’s been doing okay at this game. Everything is fine.

_ I love Sat. _

It’s narrow, but the lotion and the condom help. He enters Kayden slowly, so slowly, and he takes in the feeling. It’s different from a fist. There’s no room for air, he’s surrounded by Kayden and it feels warm, so warm. The perfect warmth, in fact. It feels good. It’s still a bit awkward, but he’s not moving right now, and he takes in the feeling of being fully inside Kayden, and it’s weird. It’s weird how good it feels.

_ I love Sat. _

Kayden whimpers and moves his hips, and Tanner takes the hint easily. Holding himself on his hips, he starts moving inside Kayden and oh, how full does he feel. It’s like he’s never felt empty before, it’s like his life has been leading to this moment, his cock slowly moving inside Kayden, almost going out, but diving deep inside him again, and he can feel Kayden spasms around him, he can  _ feel _ him around him and it feels amazing.

_ I love Sat, _ he repeats to himself.

It soon becomes a distant thought. He’s pushing Kayden down on the mattress with a hand on his shoulder, and he’s holding his hip with the other, fucking him faster and faster as it becomes more and more easy. He slips out if the hole briefly, but guides himself fully into Kayden once more, with a rougher thrust.

_ Fuck, this feels so good. I need more.  _

Kayden is fully moaning, squeezing the bedsheets and moving back to meet Tanner’s thrusts, and it’s exhilarating to see Kayden like this. He looks at Kayden as he sees his hand move towards his cock, and he takes in Kayden’s long whimper as he starts fucking his hand.

Sweat is gathering on Kayden’s back, and Tanner isn’t thinking when he leans and kisses his back, licks his back, his eyes now closed because it’s too much, it feels too good.

_ I’m having sex with Kayden _ , he suddenly thinks. It’s forbidden, you don’t have sex with your friends, with anyone else but the person you love, and that person should be a girl, for Tanner. He shouldn’t be here, he shouldn’t have his cock deep into Kayden. And yet he does, and it feels wonderful. It’s forbidden, but it makes it even better.

Both his hands are back on Kayden’s hips and he’s frantically thrusting back and forth, and Kayden is meeting his pace and he screams out.

Tanner only guesses he has come, because he doesn’t move as much, and his arm has stopped its movement. Except that Tanner can’t stop, he’s still thrusting and it still feels great.

Kayden is doing new noises, and it’s just making it even better. He’s so close, when Kayden suddenly moves, straightening up from his position, and his back meets Tanner’s chest, and it changes the friction enough for Tanner to come with a cry that he would feel self conscious about if he didn’t feel so good.

He’s completely spent, his muscles are already sore and he doesn’t feel like he can hold on much longer. He’s not inside Kayden anymore, but he’s lying on top of him, and by the time he gets a hold of himself, he can hear Kayden’s still panting and he’s trembling lightly.

He rolls off on his side quickly and briefly wonders if his friend is okay, then he realizes he’s also still breathing heavily, and he can see the smile on Kayden’s face. He closes his own eyes, exhausted. It has never felt so good to be tired, with no energy left at all. He never thought he could feel like that. 

Tanner whimpers when he feels something touch his cock. He doesn’t want any more stimulation, but it goes away quickly. Kayden is taking care of the condom, and he can’t even open his eyes or his mouth to thank him as the most comfortable darkness he’s known takes a hold of him. 

He should probably put a stop to this, but he’s too far deep in it to care.


	8. Chapter 8

It’s been almost a year. Not really, but almost. Tanner got reminded, whether or not he wanted to think about it. He heard Sat’s voice for the first time in a while. She sounded light and happy, telling him that they were going camping again, that it would be fun, that they would catch up. The others had already accepted anyway, so he might as well just say yes.

He said yes.

And since then, he’s been scrutinizing the darkness again. He’s been looking at it, and he’s found nothing, and it worries him as much as it reassures him.

His darkroom doesn’t feel safe anymore.

He’s getting paranoid again, and he’s already had to deal with a new panic attack. Those hadn’t come in a while. 

Hearing Sat didn’t help. She was almost begging him to come, and he felt bad. He feels bad for not having called, not having tried to keep contact with anyone. Anyone but Kayden. He knows more about Kayden than he’s ever known about anyone else. Even things he shouldn’t know. He knows him in a way he has never known anyone else. He knows Kayden, but no one knows Kayden. That’s his whole trademark. Even Sat never knew him as well. 

Tanner wanted to know Sat as much as he knows Kayden, now. He doesn’t know if he even wants that anymore. He knows he has to, it’s the only way it can be, he even wants more than what he has with Kayden, but on some nights he can’t pretend anymore. In his darkroom, thinking about the darkness, he can’t really think about how much he loves Sat, because he doesn’t. He doesn’t, because he’s been spending his year with Kayden, he’s had sex with Kayden. Even after he realized it, even after he saw it, he didn’t stop. He’s had more sex, and he can’t stop. It still feels good, it still feels like he’s floating, like nothing can get to him, whenever Kayden and he are in each other’s bed, whenever they become vulnerable enough to not care about being naked, to not care about anything.

Tanner is sitting in a corner of his darkroom, and he feels like the darkness is reaching out for him, trying to engulf him and take him away. He’s sure something’s there.

He stumbles out the room and gets to his bedroom, tripping on the floor. He’s alone in the house, his parents at one of his sister’s games and he’s alone. It’s bad.

Then his alarm rings, and he remembers why it’s not bad. Kayden is supposed to come. He’s supposed to be here. Why is he not here?

There’s a tap on his window. Kayden still sneaks in through the window, he says he enjoys the thrill. Tanner doesn’t complain, less people seeing him is good. When Kayden sneaks in, they definitely know what their time together is gonna be. Even if their time together has recently always turned into sex, no matter how short it is. If they’re not alone in the house, it’s a quick mutual jerking, a blowjob or just rubbing their bodies together until they come, if they take the time to undress. If they’re alone, they take more time, sometimes start with a quick one and wait for a second, more patient round. They’ve become more vocal, especially Tanner, who has been screaming his release when they’re alone. It feels even better, and he has noticed it tips Kayden over the edge. 

Tanner feels better when Kayden enters the room. The darkness isn’t reaching out for him anymore. 

It’s weird, though. It seems they both want to talk about something, but don’t. So they don’t talk. They slip into kisses, into caresses, into whispered moans.

Kayden turns on his stomach. He has clearly understood Tanner loves to fuck him. But Tanner rolls him on his stomach again. He’s not sure how this all works, but he’s sure he can make it work. While he preps Kayden, because he’s learned how to do that, he looks at him. 

Kayden is also looking at him, and their eyes meet. Usually, Tanner looks away quickly, because the eyes are a door he doesn’t want to go through. But he can’t. Kayden is the one to look away, closing his eyes. Tanner doesn’t think about it too much as he guides his cock inside Kayden, and he feels fully safe again, enveloped in warmth.

He can see Kayden’s face like this, can observe all the little details of Kayden’s pleasure on his body. His lips twitching to form a smile, his uncontrollable moans, his chest jolting when he takes a sudden breath, his hands squeezing what they can. Right now, it’s Tanner’s back and the bedsheets. He hasn’t touched his cock yet. 

Tanner looks at him until Kayden also opens his eyes, after a particularly hungry kiss, and this time he doesn’t avert his eyes. They are looking at each other, and they’ve never done that, because it makes it too real. 

Tanner stops thrusting for a moment. He strokes Kayden’s cheek and takes one of his hands in his, and plays with his fingers. Kayden just watches him, his mouth agape in shock, and Tanner sees the flicker in his eyes, sees the way he looks at him. He doesn’t know how Tanner has been looking at him, because he’s avoided his eyes. But now he sees. He sees extreme care and softness in Kayden’s eyes, something he hasn’t seen often in the man. He reads all the…

Desire. He reads the sudden desire as the hand he’s been holding and his own wrap around Kayden’s cock, and Tanner suddenly thrusts forward, maybe a bit too roughly. 

Lust and desire are now dominant in Kayden’s eyes as Tanner picks up his pace. But he still sees the sparkle he’s seen. He refuses to identify it, but he knows, deep down what it means. He will never admit it to himself, but he shares that sparkle.

He sees Kayden’s love, but he refuses to acknowledge him.

So he does the only thing he can do, he buries his head in Kayden’s neck and his thrusts are rough, and he listens to Kayden losing control of his sounds.

“Kayden…” he hears himself moan in the man’s ear, and the satisfaction of making Kayden come unexpectedly is greater than the shame, for now.

“Tanner, I--” Kayden whispers, but is stopped by Tanner’s lips.

The cry is muffled by Kayden’s lips as Tanner comes shortly after him. 

It takes them a while to get their breaths back. Kayden holds Tanner as they both come down from the high they’re in. They take some time to stand up, clean themselves and dress again. 

And then it happens. Tanner is the one to mention it, because he has to think about something else than what he saw in Kayden’s eyes.

“So, camping again, eh?” he poorly starts, but it’s a good enough distraction. A too good distraction, if you ask him later. 

“Yeah, camping again.”

“Looking forward to nothing happening.”

There’s a long pause and Kayden shuffles uncomfortably. “But something did happen, Tanner.”

And it starts the fire they’ve been avoiding for around nine months, successfully.

Tanner shoots up, gets some pictures, and he frantically points at the dark. “Do you see anything there? There’s nothing. There never was anything. We just all… We all fucking hallucinating this shit, there was nothing.”

“Hallucin-- Tanner, this was not a mass hallucination or something!”

“Of course it was! Y… Something happened. We all were poisoned. We were… drugged.” Tanner closes his fists and his jaw and he waits. He waits for Kayden’s answer.

“I’m not doing this,” Kayden says, and he gets up, grabs his coat, and storms out the house.

Tanner doesn’t fear the darkness, as he’s sitting in his bed, alone. It still smells like Kayden. It still smells like sex.

It’s gradually annoying him. Because he’s had sex with Kayden. He was so focused on the horrors of the darkness that he has ignored the signs of temptation and sin. He’s not that Christian to go usually care about sin and Hell, but he sure is going to Hell. It was never about Kayden. Tanner should have called Sat, should have talked to her. He should have never let Kayden in like that. And he blames Kayden. He blames Kayden for the sparkle he’s seen in his eyes. It was malice, not care or anything. He blames him for the way he’s feeling and the way he has felt. It felt great, yes, but it was wrong. And it’s Kayden’s fault. Maybe he drugged him again. 

He knows that part is not true. But he is sure of what happened last year. Kayden all drugged them, because Kayden is like that. He fucks people over. It’s fun for him. And he’s had his fun with Tanner, fucking with him. Quite literally. 

Tanner can’t believe he has let himself play along with Kayden. Sat wasn’t there to ground him, and he needed her. She’s everything a man could ask for, and he looked at her best friend, not even checking in on her, instead of facing the truth. He’s a coward and he loves Sat. This is the only thing that makes sense, now. He finally sees it clearly.

Kayden’s a bad influence and now that Tanner isn’t longing for his presence, it is obvious. Tanner is going to go on the camping trip. He’s going to check in his friends, and he’s going to prove that Kayden’s a fraud. He just hopes Kayden doesn’t mention what happened. They can just pretend they haven’t talked to each other at all, during the year. It won’t be hard to believe, as Tanner hasn’t talked to anyone else, and Kayden has stopped checking in with Sat.

Tanner needs to make sure that Sat is alright, and he needs to confess his love. Because he is in love. He loves her and he can be with her, if she’ll have him. Yes. This makes sense. This year didn’t make sense, but this does.

There’s nothing in the darkness. Kayden drugged them, and he seduced Tanner. Tanner’s okay. He’s going to be okay, once they’re on the camping trip and he can show everyone he’s doing okay. He will come prepared and he will show them the truth.


	9. Chapter 9

Kayden almost can't move. Sat is the one to pull him away as they watch Tanner sacrifice himself for them. 

“I love you, Sat,” they all hear, and Kayden looks back. Tanner isn't looking at Sat, he's looking at him. He's begging him.  _ Save them _ , he tells him.  _ They're your redemption.  _ And, even if Kayden thinks it's stupid and it hurts more to think that, he reads the love directed towards him, in Tanner's eyes.  _ You're the one I love _ , they tell him, and it almost breaks his will. Except that Tanner begged him to keep them safe. 

Tanner is dead. Tanner is gone. He's dead, and Kayden has never told him how he feels. Because it never was right, because Tanner's stupid homophobia didn't let him admit it, because his own fucking thoughts came in the way. The idiotic  _ I don't need anyone, sex is fucking great but romantic attraction's not for me.  _ This general fuck you to a world that has given him four great friends… Kayden's attitude is why he never said it. To keep up appearance. But he does. He loves Tanner, too. And he's just lost him. He has just seen him being dragged away by undead creatures and he didn't do anything. He couldn’t.

His love for Tanner transforms into hatred for himself. How could he be so dumb? Why did they have to go here and meddle with things far beyond themselves? How are those things even real? Surely, it's a nightmare, surely he will wake up in a cold sweat, next to Tanner, and he will still be scared of the dark, but he will be with Tanner. This is just some kind of sick joke.

No, he can't hate himself. He promised Tanner. Even if they didn't voice it. He promised him to keep them safe. He will. They're the only family he's ever truly had. And he's been a jerk to them, especially Sat. He owes her more than the dickhead he's been for the past year. Tanner was right to tell her he loved her. Kayden loves her too, she's a sister to him, and he's left her behind. He can still help them, he can still be who he once was. Their friend. Just because he doesn’t feel like himself doesn’t mean he can’t change again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wrote this whole fic within 3 days and it was just... Sudden urge to write about these two. Hope you enjoyed!   
> Feel free to come talk to me on Tumblr @ trashmel or @ fafsernir if you want to :D


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